Emanciated Mind
by Saiyura
Summary: He wanted to die, he hated himself, he needed to die… just die. Die. Die. DIE! Why couldn't he just die! horror angst death drugs mind trip! Enjoy review and read, but mainly enjoy. (on hold)


**Everything in here was MEANT to happen XD **

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He didn't know why he was crying as he looked down at the body. What was it that this body was trying to tell him? What was it that had him so captivated with the angle of the blades sticking into the ground as it portrayed this emaciated bodies last moments-fighting tell death was sure true in this picture.

"ZORO-!" the voice was far behind him, only spotting him, but he didn't bother to even do anything but stare down at the body. What was it that it was trying to tell him? "Zoro!" the voice was closer and its tone was easily understandable; it was Sanji's voice coming to get him.

He better turn around now, his brain suggested, before the cook thought he was sick looking at a dead body pinned down by swords in the chest. It was gruesome anyways; Zoro concluded with a few turns of his head, one had been right through his lungs the other lower in his stomach, both had been turned sideways away from the middle of the body severing the spine.

Why was this body so different than the others attracting his attention more than it should? This man was so… plain.

"Oi, shit face, what are-." Sanji had reached Zoro before the other had even realized how fast time had sped by in his slowing brain. Zoro couldn't think as Sanji leaned forward and turned to look into his face… Zoro was still crying and Sanji, the perverted rival cook, was seeing this pathetic moment Zoro held on display for the dead… man… who he didn't even know.

"Sanji?" his throat was tight before he looked into those blue eyes, the curtain of hair falling away from the face and framing it perfectly, staring back at him with etched on worry; this was going to be difficult but it would be most helpful to talk to the shit faced cook. "I… I think I killed this man." Sanji looked stunned and confused before looking at the body hunting for a clue.

"They aren't your swords, Zoro, how could you have killed him?"

"I … I don't know, but… I just… I know I did… I know I killed him and he had nothing… nothing…" his voice tightens up around his vocal cords before he dropped to his feet clutching his chest in pain.

Sanji was instantly by his distressed friends' side watching in fear as Zoro began to breathe raggedly, white of his eyes showing, before he all together stopped breathing.

"ZORO!" Zoro couldn't hear Sanji anymore as his blood was heard rushing like an outrageous storm in his ears. His thoughts were consumed with the angle of the body, the look of absolute content… the look of forgiveness.

How could a human being forgive a monster like him: Zoro the killer, Zoro the demon, Zoro… who wasn't human now after slaughtering an innocent man? He had to understand, he had to touch the body, had to hold it in a tight embrace; cradle the body, kiss the temple, smooth that unraveling red hair, and… most of all he had to repeat to it that he was going to take responsibility.

"ZORO!" Zoro broke his thoughts as he looked up into his captain's eyes, a glance around him told him more than he needed to know that he was back at the ship docks. "Zoro?" this was Chopper's voice. This was his nakama. "Are you okay, Swordsman san?" Robin… Robin… This was his crew, his friends.

"Luffy," his voice was dull almost as if it was dead as he pulled out each of his three swords, none covered in blood, out to place in front of his captain in a strong arm. "Take my swords and lock them away… I … I don't want to see them… not now… not for a long time." The shocked gasp and horrified expression were enough to make the confused and delirious swordsman want to strangle them all; they needed to shut up, they needed to listen to him and do what he wanted, they … Where was Sanji?

"Are you sure, Zoro?" Luffy held the swords with reverence that Zoro thought was disgusting. Those swords needed to be destroyed; Kuina's sword was… was … he had no word to describe how much he loathed its white form now.

"YES, NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!" Zoro snapped pushing his way, frantically, through them and up to the ship where he felt he had to rub away each layer of skin he possessed, starve, and then butcher himself… anyway… until having that dead body, whoever it was that captivated him, forgave him. How, he didn't know. He just knew he desperately was going to try and get it- any means possible.

The water, hot, beaded against his cold skin, but he knew he wasn't cold he just felt that… felt he was empty, broken… what was it that was compelling him to… No he had to shake that out of his head, he couldn't let the crew… No they all ready saw that he was a mess… What was he to do now?

How had this happened? He needed to know, how he killed that man, why did he do it, when did he snap and for what reason did he snap that man's spine. There was a reason for it he just had to look into his own mind, his now new hell on earth.

"Oi, shitty Marimo, dinner ready, get up there and eat!" the cooks words were harsh on the door making the metal scrub in Zoro's hand jump, biting harder, at the place on his chest were blood was already staining the water a deep red instead of a pink.

When had he done this? Why had he not felt this pain he still could not feel? Could he be self mutilating because of the murder of an innocent bystander? Yes, this was the same spot a sword in that man's chest was in. He was … He would die the same way, he swore on the man's grave, because he had done it… He wanted to die, he hated himself, he needed to die… just die. Die. Die. DIE! Why couldn't he just die!

The metal scrub dug deeper before he tossed it to the other side of the room hard before smashing his fist into the wall, tumbling out of the tub, and towards the door kicking and fussing over everything and nothing.

HE needed to die. HE was a monster. HE … He … WHY WASN'T ANYONE KILLING HIM!

"GET OUT OF MY HEAD!" his voice boomed against the wood and back to his own ears before he knew what he was doing his body turned to look straight into the mirror showing the hole in Zoro's chest before he lunged forward his hands reaching back untl they shattered the into the mirror's reflection while destroying a bit more of Zoro's brain.

He couldn't think… he couldn't control his body… he just wanted it to go away… that voice, his voice…

"Just go and slit your wrist, easy and weak… just like you, huh, Roronoa?" Zoro's head shot up to look into pieces of the mirror still in the frame. "Just going to… oh, I don't know, gape at me?"

"SHUT UP!" again he pounded his hands into the mirror causing the rest to fall into the sink or onto the floor before Zoro's bare sole smashed into the bigger of the pieces causing them to crack, but the horror of this only made that small laughter in his own tone, pitch, and voice grow.

"SHUT UP! LEAVE ME ALONE! STOP… Stop…" his knees buckled beneath him dropping him to the ground as he cried out. Why … why had he snapped and killed someone who didn't need to die? Why… Who was that man? "Just… die…" the laughter over ran Zoro's mind causing his vision to turn black.

He just wanted to die.

"Zoro?" it was soft, very uncertain, and it made his stomach turn with violence at anyone and himself; it always wanted him to die for his actions. No one should take pity on a murderer. He was the low of the low, the filth and shit people crapped out through their mouths and actions.

He wasn't… He was disgusting. He just needed a knife… one knife… and… it would be a bit clearer to people of what he was. Just one … no, two… maybe fifteen cuts…

"Zoro?" the voice was more urgent making something more grow in Zoro's stomach. HE just wanted to snap this person's neck. He had enough of being pitied, enough of being cared for… fighting… shit like this… shit like being hurt for people he knew, now clear as daylight, he hated everything that dealt with himself or others… he hated every single thing on this planet, but not as much as Zoro hated himself.. "I know you are awake…" Who was talking to him? Who was talking to the criminal of innocents?

"Chopper?" his brain supplied the words before telling him how it knew; it just did.

"Oh thank god, but I'm not the doctor, shit face, I'm the cook." Zoro wanted to open his eyes but he couldn't. They were heavy and almost felt like they were sown shut. "Oh, Chopper wrapped your eyes… they were red from soap, blood, and you bawling like a baby."

"I wasn't."

"Yeah, you were, but… are you okay?"

"DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M FINE!" the retort was harsh and unneeded, but Zoro instantly wanted to make Sanji forgive him, he even felt his eyes sting under the bandages before he turned his head sharply feeling the new crank in his neck.

How he wanted to die, but first he had to say sorry, to whom he wasn't sure.

"Don't worry about it, but… are you okay?"

"Do I look okay to you?" Zoro felt the tears through his voice as his head was turned around to face him, though he couldn't see Sanji, but he knew by the sound and breathing it was Sanji's. It bothered him when the breath hit his face showing him just how close Sanji was to Zoro.

"Are you okay?" what was with the cook asking the same damn question over and over? Why couldn't he just take the hint and shove it up his ass while walking out of this room and leave him… just leave him… Oh god, why couldn't he just die for what he did… why couldn't they just let him wallow in his own misury and die some idiotic, un-honorific, and by some stupid noob? Why … why…

"Zoro," Sanji's voice was sharp and crisp, cold to everything even Zoro, as he spoke allowing his breath to dance across Zoro's left cheek and ear. "Are you okay?"

"NO!" Sanji quickly snapped back as Zoro heard the door open before hooves raced into the room to stand next to Zoro.

"Zoro?" Zoro was crying far too hard, the body of the man dead to the world all he could see, before he felt pressure on his shoulder in a comforting way; Zoro didn't want that, he wanted someone to gouge out his heart.

"LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!" Zoro shouted moving away from the hand but all he heard in response was those in the room take their breath deeply, except Sanji who just began to ask that awful question, 'Are you okay?'

It was no wonder when he felt himself calm down that he could hear the crew speaking. It bothered him a bit too much when they kept referring to him as if he was… was already far too gone. What was it that bothered them so much that they would just want to give up on him? Was he just a hindrance? Why did he care?

"I hate myself." The words were not his own but the smirk in them was familiar. "I just want to die, why won't they kill me?" Zoro smelt the smoke in the air before he soon felt the breath and smoke crossing his face and neck. "I shouldn't be here; just kill me… that's what you're thinking right now, am I right, Zoro?"

Zoro didn't know what to say before Sanji just began to chuckle sending small burst of air onto his skin lighting it on fire, "Shut up." Zoro's voice was raw and very hoarse from crying but he didn't let that bother him to much right now as the anger lying under his skin began to boil his blood.

He wanted to kill Sanji just like that man he had destroyed. He wanted to snap the cooks spine because of this god forsaken torment the cook seemed to have fallen in love of doing at the randomize and un-holiest times when Zoro's mind was at its weakest.

"How about… No… I'm just asking, Zoro, how you are feeling, doesn't that count as a worried nakama over a friend who just butchered a person for no reason other than … oh… having blood running across his swords?" Zoro paled, he knew he did as his chest tightened and his heart raced. He couldn't breathe as Sanji kept speaking.

"What…."

"I cleaned your blade you idiot!" Sanji snapped back. "I cleaned them of that god damn man's blood! It took me two freaken hours to make them spotless again so no one would know… I… Zoro, are you okay?" Why… why would Sanji help him… Zoro just… oh god he did use his swords to kill that man! HE DID KILL FOR NO…

"What did I do…" Zoro's chest still felt like it was being smashed but his head began to throb, blood still boiling but guilt was growing to the point it was like ice through his veins. He was both on fire and freezing.

He just wanted to die for this pain to go away.

"I need to get out of here…" Zoro thought before he shifted on the bed reaching his hands p to pull the bandages down before he blinked at the hazy world around him. He couldn't see anything beyond to finger tips. This was bad, what had to done to himself? Why had he maimed himself of his eyes? Was this what he had done when he blacked out? Mutilating the only thing he had to see his surroundings and… He just wanted to die.

The door opened when they heard the shuffling in the room allowing the light, which Zoro didn't realize that the area around him was dark, to shine in blinding him more.

"Zoro!" Chopper's voice was surprised before the little reindeer hurried into the room, staying a bit back from the unsure swordsman, before getting huffed up over the removal of the bandages. "I need to wrap your eyes back up!"

"No." why, he knew he wanted to see, was he denying the use of his eyes to ever return? "I just need to get out of here."

"You're not training!" Chopper demanded with such insertion that Zoro almost felt like he had to obay but… Sanji was looking at him, if the blood hair was any description that it was the cook, waiting to see his response.

"I'm not going to, I'm leaving." Chopper was confused by these words as Zoro stood up, stumbling forward, before he looked towards the light and walked out of the door hoping not to bump into anything giving the cook, who he could hear following, reason to mock him in his weakest hour.

"Ah! You're going to find a nice place to slice open your stomach, am I wrong, hm, Zoro?" Sanji began to make noises as if he was dying and crying, pleading for help, but Zoro felt his stomach twist when no one in the crew even seemed to care how horribly Sanji was acting towards their… He hated everyone, he hated Sanji, he hated his crew; They all needed to die.

"ZORO! See, Usopp, I told you Zoro was fine." Luffy's voice stung Zoro's mind making it almost shrink back into something… what was wrong with him, why was Zoro acting so… What was this feeling? What was wrong… why…

He heard everyone gasp as he felt his hands grip the fabric of his captain's vest and he didn't seem to register the smile growing on his face before, in a flick of his wrist and the release of his hand he heard everyone yelling, someone splashing and sinking in the water… he soon heard the sounds of someone jumping off the ship… He just wanted them all to die.

"ZORO!" Sanji shouted out more than anything annoyed but there was humor in the back of the words that made a soft pur erupt from Zoro's chest at the fact… at the fact he might have killed Luffy. "Oh, you should have seen his face! I mean… It's one thing to see but it's another… Great job, now, how do you feel?"

Why was the cook always so damn interested in how he felt when he did something stupid and crazy or just bawling his eyes out? Why couldn't the stupid…. Oh, he felt a lot better. He didn't want to kill the rest of his crew nor himself; he couldn't help but wonder how long thia was going to last. He hoped it would last for a long time because … he didn't like self mutilation and that was what he had been doing.

Just look at him stumble off the ship nearly falling flat on his face! He really missed his eyes.

"Zoro," Sanji's breathing was on the back of his neck as two hands, thing and very soft, wound their way under his haramaki. "I'm glad that you did that, I was hoping you'd realize how used you were being." The cook was a strange person always doing these random things and making Zoro want to do the most stupid things in the world… but the cook was never like this…

He liked this cook better, but who knew when Sanji would go back to his girls… He just wanted to die.

The walk was long and disturbing when people kept moving out of his way every time he shot them a look when they began to mumble. He was paranoid but it didn't bother him as much as he was hoping it would, the only bother was Sanji laughing at the obvious twitch in his left eye causing the green haired pre adult to feel like snapping.

Man, how he wanted to kill Sanji right now, but he knew he couldn't not like this not like anything. Why did he feel so calm thinking about waiting to kill Sanji? Whoever knows.

There were a few a few houses on this street, he wasn't sure where he was but in the back of his mind he knew, and then… suddenly… he saw the man, the one he killed, walking by as if a ghost before smiling and vanishing.

Now that was new, maybe this was a good start to recovering or… maybe this was a sign stating 'God hates you'. Yeah, the second was deader on.

"Wow, Zoro, you look pale as a ghost… sexy." Again Zoro's eyes scrunched shut before he looked back at Sanji who grinned that damn grin, what was he doing MOCKING!

"You sound like you're getting turned on, cook."

"Maybe I am, hm, off your own pain?" Sanji leaned forward tilting his head at the oddest angle Zoro was sure it was going to snap, he wanted it to snap… oh god how he wanted to snap that cooks face before claiming his lips… wait… did he just think of kissing Sanji when he was dead? Necrophilia much?

Sanji only faulted for a second at the fear crossing Zoro's face before he leaned in closer, "Dirty thoughts, Zoro?" Zoro pushed away but a biting feeling in his stomach made him feel almost… weak. He wanted to be over powered by the cook, wanted the cook to beat the living daylights out of him… maybe the cook would kill him?

"I … I…"

"Yeah, I know, just keep walking, I bet where ever you get us lost might be nice." Sanji's smile softened. "I know you need it Zoro, you look like hell." The new found softness of Sanji sent shivers of some unknown pleasure through his veins before Zoro nodded turning around and heading off to find wherever he felt safe.

The door was worn and very weathered but it held something to Zoro's breaking mind that he needed to open it, along with the known fact in some sick demented part of his brain that THIS was a now empty place.

Pushing the door open did he allow the light to filter through the dusty room until he felt more reassured to walk inside. All he knew was that his heart was beating in an uneven manner when he looked at the wall to see a picture of a the man.

"This is… is his…"

"House, yeah, don't you remember?"

"Remember?" Zoro looked a bit to his side to see out of his corner of his eye to Sanji who just seemed far too relaxed.

"The man brought you here, asked you about 'giving' you another sword. You were a bit happy also when you found out he also fixed swords…" what was the cook rambling about, Zoro thought looking around the room again before spotting a chair. "I was with you, annoyed really, before you killed him." Zoro looked back at Sanji wondering if this was why his attitude had changed.

"What? Why didn't-."

"I wasn't sure what happened until I came back here, it's why I was searching for you… why… I am trying to get you back to who you are…" who he was? What was Sanji thinking, Zoro was fine! Zoro was perfectly, one hundred percent his normal self… oh, except the desire to kill himself and others, that was normal.

"What… What did you find when you came… came back?" Zoro was almost afraid of knowing this answer before he fully turned around to spot Sanji lying on the floor blood pooling around his blond hair. His hands and wrist were tightly tied and his eyes were glazed over. Zoro took more of Sanji's body in, how his shirt was ripped and tattered, how his pants where around his ankles and in his thigh was a needle full of a white substance.

Yet, Zoro mildly found the sight pleasing. How or in what sick twisted way, he wasn't sure. There, on the ground, was Sanji beaten by something Zoro know nothing about but the way the cook just layed there was… far more inviting then anything Zoro thought possible.

"I found you standing over my body," Sanji, the one who had been talking to him all day, replaced the one on the floor. "A needle in your arm as you slowly pulled it out… You never left this place, Zoro, you were here…" Sanji stepped forward causing cracks to appear around his wrist and torso. "You stood where you are now, stripped to your boxers, and you were crying." Sanji's hand broke into that man's hands which slowly began to pet his chin.

"I stood, watching you after I shot you up, watched you wither with something you could never understand as I took your swords." Why was Sanji, his nakama, doing this? Why was Sanji falling apart in front of him? WHAT WAS GOING ON!

"Sa-." His throat tightened up around him as his eyes darted around the room trying to figure out what was going on, why he was here, and where… where was… what was he doing?

He just wanted to die.

"Zoro," Sanji's voice was slowly becoming deeper and it frightened Zoro when the room began to sway a bit. "Open your mouth, I've got something for you." This was Sanji, Sanji was a nakama, Sanji wouldn't hurt him… he just wanted to die. So he did as he was told, after all Sanji never gave anything to hurt anyone, not even to Zoro when they got into nasty fights.

"Swallow." It was heavy on his tongue, whatever it was, before he reflexively did as he was told.

His eyes began to sway more dangerously before his knees buckled under his weight sending him crashing to the floor to have a firsthand greeting. What was going on? Why was he having a hard time moving?

"I can't believe how easy this was." Sanji's voice grew more sadistic as he dropped next to Zoro, hand gripping the green, before pulling Zoro's head to look, swimmingly, into the blue… no brown… now white… what? "I got you and… I can't believe how lucky I am!" Zoro's head was dropped before he spotted Sanji's black pants pooled around his shoes.

What was going on!

"Zoro?" the weak voice of Sanji, it wasn't messed up as much as the other… how could there be two Sanji's? "Are you okay?" damnable cook, stop asking that horrible question. "Zoro?" why couldn't he breath? Why was the world turning black? Why did he want to hold the cook to his chest and cry saying 'Don't worry, don't worry.'

He hated the world and it's cruel jokes it played on the human race. He hated the human race for doing the cruel things to others. He hated himself because… he allowed the cook to fall victim to this sick bastard trying to pass off as Sanji. He hated himself enough that he wanted to die.

"Sanji?" his voice was all he heard as he closed his eyes. "I… I don't understand?" he didn't understand his emotions, the pain the quickly erupted from his chest when he spoke to the cook, or the erupting anger that bubbled when he saw what soon happened to follow.

A syringe being lifted into the air and the man straddling Sanji's chest to pin the cook down from attacking or retaliating for what he was about to do. Why was this bastard pretending to be his cook act like he was… oh god, did he just inject that into the cook's mouth!

"Now, why don't I get-." Zoro didn't know what he was doing as he saw the fakaed of Sanji, the fake Sanji, shatter and disappear before he knew… this man had to die. He didn't want to revenge him, didn't want to kill anyone but this sick bastard.

He didn't know what he did as he lunged forward, jaw wide, before snapping it tightly around the man's arm and biting more than hard to hear the snapping of something before screaming. Sanji, now more than paralyzed, didn't move as Zoro wrestled weakly to get the other off of his cook.

"Don't." Zoro growled around the flesh even after pulling back, plus brining the chunk of flesh along, before he glared at the stunned man.

"Are you okay?" the façade was growing back onto this man's body, confusing Zoro again but he knew when he heard his Sanji moan that the one before him was fake.

"I hate you." Zoro growled out. "I hate you."

"I told you want I saw, Zoro." Sanji's voice didn't come from the two men look a likes but from his head. "Didn't I? You'd be standing above me and all you'd be able to think about was ripping my throat out."

The man could not longer scream as Zoro's jaw crunched down on the exposed air way. This man had to pay, this man had to pay, this man had to pay.

Later, Zoro would kill himself. Later, Zoro would kill himself if any harm came to Sanji. Later, Zoro would kill himself for putting Sanji into harm. Later, Sanji and the crew would find the swordsman with a needle in his thigh, his eyes in the back of his head, and the only thing anyone would be able to do would be to close them.

Yeah, that plan was available.

"Are you okay?" this wasn't the cook's voice. "Sir?" this wasn't the cooks voice. "SIR?" this wasn't the cooks voice. "Get me some help! I need a doctor!" That wasn't the cooks voice, that wasn't his crews voice… oh god, that wasn't SANJI!

"Sa-." Zoro couldn't form a coherent word. He had to ask to make sure that the cook, his friend, his best friend, was okay. "N-." was he reduced to muttering syllables? "Ji-." The man, whoever he was, better has to understand this meaning.

Oh… look, Sanji's standing above him with a sly grin and three swords in his arms. That was good old Sanji, always taking good care of Zoro when Zoro couldn't take care of anything. Sanji seemed to be almost laughing when Zoro just gave a crooked grin and then… suddenly Sanji turned to leave stating 'I need to get Chopper'. Why Chopper? Could the cook just whip up some food, Zoro was STARVING!

He was starving. He was feeling so depressed. And he was completely lost.

"Sir?" it was a woman's voice. "Is everything- Oh god, this is a pirate!" everyone, including Zoro, turned to blink at her. What was going on, what was with this reaction. "Roronoa Zoro?" haha, she said his name funny. " Please, someone go find the straw hat crew…"

"But if their…"

"HAVEN'T YOU HEARD!" she shouted in anger. "These guys don't do anything like any pirates! They care about us! They'd… if they knew we were in trouble they'd help us…" the village seemed to take this person words as if they came from god, strange town. She looked funny, her head was swollen and… haha there was Sanji again just giving him a funny look before grinning as he came to sit down next to Zoro's head to flick the swordsman's forehead.


End file.
